Bright, Bright Sunshiny Day

The sun is shining. It's nearing 50 degrees. I'm wearing (probably prematurely) flip flops. I have a reason to smile again. Ahhh.

I love spring because it gives me hope. I get a shot of confidence, a boost of energy, a feeling of lightness surrounding me. But spring makes me sad, too.

All around me, people are in love. Spring does that. And it's the one part of spring I don't get to participate in. Love hits me in the face everywhere I look and somehow avoids me at the same time.

On the sidewalk, there are teenagers walking past with their arms wrapped around each other's waists. Couples sit down at a table in a restaurant, then lean over and kiss. Old people rub each other's shoulders and kiss each other's heads. Boys and girls chase each other around playgrounds, playing tag, just for the rush that comes with touching one another. And I watch from the sidelines, alone, the tears in my eyes glinting in the spring sun.

Rationally, I know that it shouldn't matter. I have good friends, and I have a good time with them. There are people who are attracted to me, I know. They're not people I get to spend time with in person, mostly, and the few that I do get to spend time with live too far away and are otherwise unavailable to me to be a part of my daily life, but they're there. But there is just no one in my life that I can touch, hold, rub, caress.

My craving for the sensation of skin on my skin, physical affection, is absolutely the only thing that makes me wish I was a thin, traditionally beautiful woman. Other than that, I am happy with who I am. I am fairly healthy, pretty energetic, and other than a bit of depression from time to time, overall a happy person. My only problem is that the general public is not as accepting of me as I am. The only reason I wish I was any different than I am.

But while this bright, bright sunshiny day makes me sad, it gives me hope, too. Maybe someday, I'll earn the right to be loved. Maybe. Springtime is ripe with maybe.