All I Can Say Is WOW!

Tonight was amazing. Amazing. It was so incredible that I am almost crying tears of joy as I type.

I went to my first size-positive event ever, and like I mentioned earlier, if I was overlooked there like I always have been in every other area of my life and every other place I've been to, I would have had nothing left to hide behind. But that didn't happen.

When I turned into the driveway, I almost threw up. Nerves. I was shaking. I couldn't handle walking into the dance right away, not like that. So I went to the bathroom first. I had a very nice conversation with a woman who was afraid her bra was going to be uncomfortable. She was obviously the kind of person who has no problem sharing with others. Then I sucked it up and went into the ballroom where the dance was. It was rather empty- there were several tables with chairs around, but most of them had more empty chairs than full ones. I stood up against the wall for a few minutes, pretty much trying not to pass out. Then I gritted my teeth and gathered up all my courage and asked a woman if I could sit at her table. This shouldn't have been a big deal, I know, but I can NOT start a conversation with a stranger. Events like this bring me right back to high school, even elementary school, when I lived in constant fear that I would have no one to sit with at lunch time. I usually didn't have anyone, either, which was kind of okay, because I was almost more afraid someone WOULD sit with me, and then I'd have to figure out how to talk to them. But I did it. I'm not kidding when I say this dance changed my life.

No sooner did I sit down than the woman I had spoken with in the bathroom came in and sat down- she was the other person sitting at the table. It ended up being a very good thing--maybe fate brought us together--because she was not at all shy. She was actually quite loud and had no problem saying anything to anyone. She drew attention to us.

I got checked out. I mean, checked OUT. It was the very first time that has happened to me in my entire life, or at least the first time I noticed while it was happening. It was a good feeling. It was also scary. You know, that old thing about the need to figure out what to SAY to someone if they actually talked to me. I thought at first that maybe I was imagining it, but then the loud lady next to me asked me if I knew the guy, and I said no. She said he obviously wanted to know me. The lady and I talked for a while. She found out it was my first time at an event like that and told everyone she could see, which was wonderful because it completely ensured that I didn't have to start a single conversation. She did it for me, so all I had to do with anyone else was answer questions until I felt comfortable enough with them to talk of my own accord.

And then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned. It was the guy that had checked me out. He was just as unshy as the woman next to me. He told me he was checking me out and he hoped I'd forgive him if he stared. When a guy says something like that to you, you think two things. Or at least I do. You think, that was a really cheesy pick up line. Then you think, but he used a pick up line on me! A guy who's willing to do that can stare as much as he wants to! He walked away for a while and then came back. Somehow, I really don't know how, I found the courage to ask him to sit down. He did. We talked a little. It became pretty obvious that he wasn't really my type, which shocked me. Really shocked me. You know the whole "beggars can't be choosers" thing? Well, I normally don't worry at all about whether a guy is my type. All I've ever thought about was whether I was HIS type, because most of the time I wasn't.

He asked me to dance. I almost declined. That's my general MO: I sit by myself and worry that something won't happen, and then when it does happen, I've worried about it so much that I can't do it anyway. I am not much of a risk taker, even though I want to be. Besides which, like I said, he wasn't my type. (By which I mean he was drunk, smelled like cigarette smoke, and had beady eyes, which I can never make myself trust.) But then I figured that if I didn't force myself to do things I was afraid of, this whole weekend was going to be a waste. So, I said yes. I stood up and I made my way to the dance floor and I danced. And it was wonderful. I almost always feel free when I get to dance, and at an event where I wasn't the fat and clumsy-looking one out of the crowd, it was even more freeing.

No sooner did we sit back down than another guy came and asked me to dance. A slow song, this time. I danced with him, too. And it was incredible. The first time in my life I had ever been asked to dance, and it happened two songs in a row, by two different guys! Unfortunately, I think I scared that guy off. After we danced, he asked me if I wanted a drink. The first guy had just bought me one, though, and I didn't figure I needed two drinks at once, so I said no thanks, not right then, but maybe later. He disappeared and I never heard from him again. You can't blame me, though. I've never had anyone buy me a drink in my life; I'm sort of lacking in etiquette for this type of occasion. Next time, I don't care if I have a hundred drinks in front of me, I'll take another one!

A couple more guys asked me to dance, and I accepted every single offer. It was the most incredible feeling. I have spent my entire life sitting at the table at weddings and dances watching other peoples' purses and coats when they get asked to dance. I have spent my whole life trying not to cry when everyone is dancing but me. I have spent every countless nights in bars and ballrooms struggling to hide my tears, forced to realize once again that I will never be the chosen one. But tonight, I was one of the chosen ones. It felt so good. It felt like I was a real woman for the first time in my entire life. I felt like I was worth something.

See--and this is where this issue gets sensitive and hard to talk about, but I'm going to anyway--there have been men who were interested in me before. But they were interested in me because of how I looked. In other words, they were looking for a fat chick, and I was one. None chose me for any other reason besides that. I was never any prettier than anyone else, or wittier, or more fun. I was just an available fat chick. But tonight, I was in a room full of fat chicks. And I got noticed! For the first time, I can feel like someone liked me for me! I'm crying again.

And the best part is, I met someone I really liked. His name is Michael. I noticed him before he ever noticed me, and then suddenly, he pulled me away from another guy who I didn't reallly want to be dancing with anyway. It was one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me. I don't know if I'll ever see him again--maybe I screwed something up when we said good-bye, or maybe he was just looking for someone to spend the night with, or maybe he'll just move on to someone better. But maybe I will see him again. Maybe. I even found the courage to tell him that if he asks me to dance again tomorrow, I will dance with him. That is the most encouragement I've ever been able to force myself to give a guy. Normally I am far too afraid of rejection. We spent the last part of the night outside, talking, and we actually have things in common, which again, isn't something that's ever mattered before because there was no one who cared if they had anything in common with me. We both worked on the Obama campaign. We both obviously like to dance. We both seem like creative souls. It is the first time that I have ever been attracted to someone both physically and personality-wise who seemed to return the feelings. The first time. The first time. The first time.

The first time for so many things tonight. I am going to sleep tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring, and for once, I am wondering with hope. The tears that I cry tonight are not tears of loneliness, of longing, of worthlessness. They are tears of joy.

My Very First Time!

It's not what you think, chances are.

I am referring to my very first time going to a size-positive event. Which hasn't happened yet, by the way, but it will be happening very soon. In just a couple of hours, as a matter of fact.

I am happy because I am away from daily life, which has been no treat lately.

I am excited because, for the first time in my life, I will not be automatically overlooked in a social situation because of my weight.

I am frightened because if I am still overlooked, I can't blame it on my weight.

I am nervous because I don't do well alone, and I am alone.

But most of all I am excited.

My stomach is alternately doing flip flops of excitement and swirling with fear, my heart randomly starts beating at a high rate of speed every half hour or so, and I am fighting the sickness that has closed down schools because I don't want to miss anything. I am jumpy and jittery and very calm all at once, contradictory as that seems. I have been trying to get in the shower and get dressed for the last 2 hours but every time I try I think of something else I should do. I think it's fear.

I can do this, I can do this, I can DO this! I can be the sophisticated woman I've always wanted to be, because I will be among people who are willing to believe I CAN be. I can talk to strangers without fear. I can be among people who don't think my appearance is disgusting, who don't assume I am lazy or dirty or think only of food, without crying in joy. I can be a "normal" person for the first time in my life. I can.

I hope.