My Very First Time!

It's not what you think, chances are.

I am referring to my very first time going to a size-positive event. Which hasn't happened yet, by the way, but it will be happening very soon. In just a couple of hours, as a matter of fact.

I am happy because I am away from daily life, which has been no treat lately.

I am excited because, for the first time in my life, I will not be automatically overlooked in a social situation because of my weight.

I am frightened because if I am still overlooked, I can't blame it on my weight.

I am nervous because I don't do well alone, and I am alone.

But most of all I am excited.

My stomach is alternately doing flip flops of excitement and swirling with fear, my heart randomly starts beating at a high rate of speed every half hour or so, and I am fighting the sickness that has closed down schools because I don't want to miss anything. I am jumpy and jittery and very calm all at once, contradictory as that seems. I have been trying to get in the shower and get dressed for the last 2 hours but every time I try I think of something else I should do. I think it's fear.

I can do this, I can do this, I can DO this! I can be the sophisticated woman I've always wanted to be, because I will be among people who are willing to believe I CAN be. I can talk to strangers without fear. I can be among people who don't think my appearance is disgusting, who don't assume I am lazy or dirty or think only of food, without crying in joy. I can be a "normal" person for the first time in my life. I can.

I hope.