An Epiphany, Of Sorts

I think. Well, nothing that earth-shattering, I guess, and nothing earth-shattering happened to make me come up with the notion I just came up with, but it gave me a jolt:

I would rather do anything in the world than hurt someone's feelings, but I most likely hurt people on a regular basis without even knowing it.

The problem starts with my lack of self esteem, or at least my inability to recognize the esteem other people have for me, and ends with my tendency to use that as an excuse, however unintentionally, to hurt others. See, I posted something on Facebook about not having anything to do tonight, and nobody to do anything with. A friend shot me a text that read, in part, "I'm nobody, thanks Emily, i c." And that's what kind of gave me the jolt. You see, it wasn't that I didn't want to hang out with her, just that it honestly didn't occur to me that she might want to hang out with me.

I do that all the time. I rarely call my friends and try to arrange get togethers or whatever because I work under the assumption that if they haven't contacted me, it means they don't want to see me. I also don't call them because I am afraid they won't answer, and my poor ego automatically takes an unanswered call as rejection. Quite without my permission, I might add. It never occurs to me that someone might be busy for the moment; by the time a person's voicemail picks up, my mind's eye has already conjured an image of that person glancing at their caller ID, seeing my name, and rolling his or her eyes in disgust and frustration because I obviously haven't taken the hints they've been subtly giving that I should leave them alone.

I am fully aware that I am a very busy person and that when friends do call me to go to dinner, say, or go out to shoot pool, I often have to turn them down. And I know that when I turn them down, it is in no way rejection. In fact, I feel so guilty for turning down a chance to spend time with one person that I almost can't enjoy the time I'm spending with whoever I'm with instead. But until tonight, it has never once occured to me that anyone even remotely cares if I turn down an invitation he or she has extended.

A friend of mine called me tonight, for example, to go out for dinner. I was at a softball game and had to tell him I was busy. He acted upset, which was all a joke. At least he said it as if he was joking. But what if he was only partly joking? What if he really was disappointed that I couldn't have dinner with him? Come to think of it, I actually had two invitations, because while I was on the phone with that guy, another friend called to see if I wanted to have dinner with him, too. And so I turned down two dinner invitations only to sit at the softball game and feel sorry for myself because I didn't have anyone to have dinner with. Why? Because in my heart of hearts, I could not believe that either person really cared if I had dinner with him. I believed that the invitations were offered out of some sense of duty, not because someone really wanted to have dinner with me. Which, of course, they both probably did. I mean, if there was a person I didn't want to have dinner with, I wouldn't call that person and ask him or her to dinner just out of the blue. I might go to dinner with that person, if asked, but I wouldn't initiate. And most other people in that situation probably wouldn't either, I imagine.

There are times, like now, when I can see myself clearly. Times when my logic is logical. I wish those times came more often. Most of the time I am stuck behind a smoked glass window, seeing the world through the window's cloudy pane that is darkened by self doubt. That doesn't serve me or anyone else very well. I take full responsibility; I could, if only I tried a little harder, lift that window open and see the world clearly. Let some fresh air in.

But I'm not that brave. If I keep myself hidden, buried in my own self-perception, I don't have to worry about anyone hurting me, because I am so busy hurting myself that there simply isn't space or time to let any more hurt in.

Somewhere in the world lies a solution to this problem. I wish I had a treasure map that would lead me to that place.