I don't mind being a leader, but I've never decided to take on a leadership role and then made an attempt to do so. Instead, in almost every group I've ever been involved with, I've sort of just fallen into one, or been pushed into one, and it always comes as a bit of a shock to me.
In elementary school, I was certainly never a leader. I was the shy, quiet kid who never talked to anyone but my best friend and my teachers. I didn't lead any groups or cliques at all; in fact, I wasn't even allowed to be a part of any. The closest thing I ever did to being a leader was when I ordered my best friend to play Barbies with me and then told her exactly what her Barbies should "say" as we acted out the storyline I had in my mind. I'm still not sure why I was able to do that; she didn't have to listen to me.
In middle school, I managed to develop a tenuous circle of friends, but I wasn't a leader there, either. In fact, I never saw any of them outside of school, and when I hung out among their ranks in school, I barely dared to speak, much less try to lead. I figured that if no one ever noticed me, they wouldn't suddenly see that I wasn't cool enough to be standing in a circle in the school parking lot with them, waiting for the bell to ring. I stood among them and listened to every word every person had to say, wishing I could have the exciting lives they had and do the things they did and nodding in agreement with everything anyone said, whether or not I agreed. Not the behavior of a leader. On the other hand, my school counselor decided I should be a tutor and so she set me up with a couple of tutoring job during my lunch hours, and so, with those students, I was forced to be a leader. Then she got me into a reading program where a group of us read particular stories and then got together over lunchtime to talk about them. This separated me from the masses and once again put me into a leadership role. She put me in a lot of situations like that, actually, and while I was pleased that she singled me out, I never felt quite comfortable being a leader. And I still don't know what she saw in me, other than that I got good grades and made healthy decisions—say no to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, kids!—that made her push me.
In school, if it had been left up to me, I would have sunk quietly into oblivion and gone completely unnoticed. Various teachers got me involved in different clubs and groups, but I didn't put much effort, myself, into it. Still, somehow, I ended up being a leader. Through no effort of my own, I ended up being the secretary of the Spanish Club and a speaker at induction ceremonies in future years, a member of the National Honor Society and a speaker at their induction ceremony, the editor of the literary magazine, a columnist and section editor of the school newspaper, and a section editor for the school yearbook. I also taught Spanish to elementary school students and tutored children in the Indian Education program. I was on the High School Bowl Team. I went to journalism conferences and entered journalism contests. Somehow, even though I didn't feel like I was much of a leader or had any influence at all over anyone at all, I fulfilled several leadership roles. It was bewildering to me.
And the trend continues. I went to one meeting of the county Democratic Party and somehow ended up being the secretary. And as a result, I became the vice chair of the Young Democrats of Delta County, one of the county organizers for President Obama's campaign, and part of the county-wide leadership for Mike Lahti's campaign for State Senate and Jocelyn Benson's campaign for Secretary of State. I joined a local writers' association and ended up becoming the vice president when I was a third of the age of almost all of the other members, and then I became president, too. I could go on and on.
I wish I could see the leadership potential in me that everyone else sees. If I could, I would probably be a lot better off in practically every aspect of my life. I'd be more confident in all of my relationships, become a stronger member of any candidate's political team, have better luck in finding gainful employment, be a better activist for all of the causes I fight for. I would love to have the ability to slip into other people's heads and see how they really perceive me. I'm sure I'd learn a lot, in doing so, that would hurt me, but I might learn some things that would help me, too. And I'd learn a lot about what I need to do to improve myself.
But since that isn't possible, I think the best route is to focus on believing people when they compliment me, stop making up other people's perceptions of me, and figure out, concretely, what I can do to improve my perception of myself. If only it wasn't so much easier to say that than it is to do that.
I have to be better prepared for this whole leadership curse; no matter what I do, I end up in some position of power. I have an eerie feeling that if I'm not careful, I'm going to find myself elected President someday, without even running a campaign!
No comments:
Post a Comment