Everything is rejection to me. I know it's dumb, but it's true. I called a friend on Monday- she was supposed to go work out at the YMCA with me and I wanted to let her know I was going to be late. She was asleep. She didn't go with me.
Most normal people would go, "Oh, she must be tired." Not me. I went right from "on my way to work out" to "I'm a horrible person that no one likes and she probably never wants to see me again and that's why she went to sleep instead of coming to work out with me." I cried, even. And I managed to get over it somewhat by the next day, but not enough to call her on Wednesday when I went to the Y again. Why? Because I was afraid she would "reject" me again.
I can't call people, EVER. I can actually feel my heart racing and my palms sweating when I pick up the phone. It isn't terribly stressful to call my dad, and I can usually call Chris without a problem, but the prospect of calling anyone else sends me into a panic. And if I happen to call Chris and he tells me he'll call me back because he's on the phone with someone else, then it's a few days before I can call him again, either. Why? Feels like rejection. An unanswered phone? Feels like rejection. A busy signal? Yeah. Rejection. And yes, I am completely aware how stupid that is.
Every time someone says they don't like something I do like, even if they're not aware that I like whatever it is, I take that as a rejection. If I am "texting" with someone, or chatting on Yahoo or MSN or some such thing, and they do not answer me immediately, or leave the conversation without telling me they're leaving, that's rejection too. Stupid.
What I want to know is why I feel so rejected. I don't think I think I'm a horrible person who only deserves rejection. I'm pretty sure I kinda like myself. And most of the time, when I am with people, I believe they like me too. Most of the time. So what's my problem? Why am I such a mess?
Maybe I should just reject this rejectable version of myself. But then again, rejection hurts.
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