It's Raining Out Today

and gray. I was hoping for sunshine. I have so many things to do and so little motivation. I don't know what's happened to me. I used to be the most motivated person you could ever hope to meet. I was a straight A student, involved in everything, always on the go. Not anymore.

I barely manage to drag myself out of bed. I barely look forward to writing. The only thing that gets me out of my house is the way that it smells. I don't spend any time at home doing the things I should do because I simply can't stand to be there.

I need to clean my room so that I have a place to relax again, a place to find myself. But it just isn't that easy. As soon as I am awake, I want to leave my house. The smell, the disorganization, the piles and piles and piles of stuff all feel like they are suffocating me, and the fact that I don't have any place to be 100% alone and at ease doesn't help either. Most of the time, when I'm out and about, with friends, I'm okay. I have my ups and downs, my days filled with tears that I try desperately to hide, but for the most part I am stable. But when I am at home, the only thing I want is to die, to just be done with everything and not have to know how much it hurts to be alive.

I can fight it. I know I can. I am stronger than that. Someday, there will be someone who will put his or her arms around me and I will feel like I can let go and relax and come back into myself. Someday, there will be a way for me to feel solid. Until then, I will keep on keeping on because I'm afraid not to. I can't end it all because I am afraid to hurt, And as much as it hurts to live, I'm afraid the process of stopping would be even more painful.

Other than the rain, today has been a good day so far. I did not cry until I wrote what I've written. I spent time with good friends. I went to Culver's on their first day open in Escanaba and I had a wonderful lunch. And in a little while, I get to go tutor my favorite student. I should go work out later. That will work all the aches and kinks out of my muscles and let me feel strong. I can do this. Maybe tomorrow I will have some time to get my life in order. That's what keeps me going:

Maybe tomorrow...