I Can't Handle Life Tonight

If only I wasn't afraid it would hurt worse than life does right now, I would have ended it all.

All that lies ahead of me is pain. I will never be loved and I will never be allowed to love. I will never be touched by another human being. I will not be able to take care of my father any better than I was able to take care of my mother and he will die to and another human life will have ended because of some innate inability to know the right thing to do to stop it.

My closest friends are sitting all around me and they are all so self absorbed that they have no idea that all I want is to die so I never have to feel pain again. Either that, or they don't care, and I find this prospect much more likely, as I have been crying for the past 6 hours and everyone around me is acting as if I do not exist.

Maybe I don't. If I didn't exist, it would explain why I can't stop the pain. Because if I am not real, then my pain is not real, and if my pain is not real, there is nothing to make it go away.

Soon, everyone around me will move on with their lives. They will find partners, they will settle down and have families, they will have jobs and responsibilities and lives that do not include me. And I, by virtue by my ugliness and my worthlessness and my inability to please anyone to the point that they want me to be a continuuing part of my life, I will be alone.

All I want is a little bit of love. Acknowledgement. I want someone to tell me that they understand that I am hurting and to help me try to stop. And none of those things are things I can have. Because I don't deserve to have anyone to touch me, love me, care for me. Why? What have I done that is so terrible? I've always tried my best to give my all to others, to be a good person. All I want is love.