I Just Can't Handle

listening to women cry when they've been broken up with.

Because I would give up everything, even life itself, to have the OPPORTUNITY to be broken up with. That will never happen, though, because there is no man who will spend even an hour with me, much less date me.

When I watch movies on Lifetime, which invariably feature a woman who is somehow being abused by a man, I am jealous of them. I am embarrassed, ashamed, to be jealous of them, but I can't help it. Because I have never found a man who cares enough to even enter into a relationship with me, much less be abusive to me.

I miss out on so much. I'm watching More To Love, a sort of plus-sized version of The Bachelor on Fox. It is a terrible show. First of all, I am a little prejudiced, because I was 50 pounds too heavy and 5 inches too short to try out for the show in the first place. Secondly, most of the girls think they are absolutely wonderful people. And finally, they can all talk and laugh with the other girls. I know that I am not a wonderful person. I am good at one thing and one thing only: writing. And I'm not even that good at writing, otherwise I would be able to make a living at it. And I cannot talk and laugh with other women, because they have things to talk about that I do not share and they are not interested in the things I have to talk about. And they do not like me- they pity me because no man will ever love me and they hate me because I am ugly and they are afraid I will drive men away from them and make them lose opportunities. It is a good show because it plants the idea that maybe fat women have a teeny tiny bit of value, too, but it is terrible because, like everything else in life, it excludes me. There is no hope for me.